Devastated Feeling

I really wish at this very moment, that it's just a nightmare and when
I wake up, everything is back to normal.. but it's not the case.. :(

Sometimes, even though it's my blog, I've opened to the public so certain
things I still have to hold back a little. But with my sister's permission,
"Why not, it's a fact anyway.."
I shall say what's been choking at the back of my throat.

My little sister has breast cancer.

Fighting back tears now. No words can describe exactly how I've been feeling
for the past 5 days since I heard the dreaded news.

She first told me last week that she felt a lump on her left breast. She
thought nothing of it, thinking it's those normal lumpy nodules that will
disappear after each menses circle. I said don't joke about it and get it
checked. Appointment with a specialist at Mt. E was fixed on monday, 13th June
to check on the lump.

That evening after the checkup, sis & brother-in-law came over for
dinner and I asked to feel the lump. Mmm, it's kinda hard. So I said, hopefully
it's nothing serious, and asked her to update me once the results' out on wednesday.

Her followup appointment was on wed morning at 8.30 so I was expecting a call
from her when I was in office. Waited for some time.. She might be busy or
might have forgotten to call me.

At around 9.30am, my handphone rang and it's from home. Might be mom asking
what med to give J as he's recovering from fever a few days ago. I barked
a hello, only to hear loud sobbings from the other end. I couldn't even hear
what she's trying to tell me. But in my heart, I don't want to hear what's
coming. "Lisa has cancer..." She was wailing away..

I put down the phone, in a daze. Lily was calling me but I didn't hear anything.
"What's wrong, Ros?"
"My sis's results are out, she.. she has cancer.. sniff.."
Lily stared back at me in shock. I couldn't help crying, tears flowed down
uncontrollably. Everybody was concerned what happened.. Boss asked if I
need to leave.. But if I go & see my sis now,everybody will just be crying away.
I still have work to do, and everything still goes on..

I broke the news to Roy too. I think he can understand better than me cos of
his late mother. I waited for my sis to call me.

"You on your way home now?"
"Ya, doctor detected a 2.7cm lump in my left breast & 2 lymph nodes are swollen.
Will need to go back hospital tomorrow for the pet scans, to determine which stage
& whether it spread to other organs or not. The results will be out on friday."
"Ok, how is Dennis"
"He's ok for now, I guess"
"Don't worry, we see how the scan goes first.."
"I guess it's a good thing I don't have kids yet.."
"Who say so? Jared is also like a son to you."
"I'm afraid I might not be there when he goes primary one.."
"OF COURSE you'll be there! Don't be silly!!" I'm fighting back tears as hard
as I could.
"I'm reaching home liao. Will update you again."
"Ok, you take it easy first. Hope the scan goes well & we wait for the
results on fri then."

Everybody in office was mindful not to ask any more questions in case I bring
another round of tears. I just have so many questions in my mind.. "What happened?
What causes it? Is she too tired? Did she eat something wrong?"
I was just telling my cols.. When you heard from someone you know or through a
friend that someone has cancer, you showed your sympathy & said please take care.
But when it happened to a loved one, your world suddenly came crashing down &
you just don't know what to do next. I refuse to accept it!
Blood rushed up to my head. My head was spinning. I just wanna get home asap.

Scans for my sis on thursday took around 2 hours. Normally, if the spread
was extensive, the scan will take up to 4 hours to be more precise. Dennis
was waiting in the cafe watching the clock ticking by the min. I can't
imagine the anxiety that he's having at that moment.

Everybody in the family can't sleep well. All waiting yet dreaded the friday
results. Sis said she is just waiting for time, waiting for the sentence. She's so
frightened that she feels like throwing up all the time. Nobody will understand
the fear & anguish deep down inside her. I just feel so god damn helpless. I wish
I can share some of her agony. My heart just feel so aching.. heartpain..

Results showed that the cancer did not spread to other organs so what's important
now is a surgery is required asap to take out the lump & infected lymph nodes.
The left breast will have to go, to be safe. After which, chemotherapy will take
place to kill off the bad cells. Of course the good cells will be affected too & her
immune system will be so low that if we don't take care, infections will set in.

The fatigue has taken it's toil and now sis & Dennis are down with flu & sore throat.
Must wait until she's recovered or get slightly better before she can be ready for
the operation.

My heart still beats a little faster every time I think about it. Somebody help me
to forget please.. :(